fishing

be vewwwy vewwwy quiet..



*takes the asian squat position at the edge of the koi pond*

so the fumigators are coming tomorrow and since it was too dark the other day, i have to catch the renegade koi that the previous owners left in the reely reeeely green pond. so green, i can't see 2 inches under the surface.

it's about 4:30 and i've come straight from work hoping that i can catch this sucker and still make it to outrigger practice at 6:00 pm in redwood city.

there he is! *takes a swipe with a fish net with a handle much too short to reach the other end of the pond* missed.

*resume the squat position*

gosh this thing thing stinks. there are mosquito larva on the surface of the water. great. west nile. i hope fumigating kills mosquitos.

*pulls out reminants of water lillies and resumes the squat position*

i grumble about how dirty the thing is and repeat the swipe technique each time butch (that's what i've been calling the fish) shows his face.

elapsed time: about 30 minutes
attempted captures: at least 10

neighbor and son come by to watch me. (melissa's brother and nephew.) i know they want to laugh. while baby points at the pond yelling fish, and i not seeing what he's seeing, i look around for something to lure butch to the surface. fish food doesn't work fast enough. fresh water from a hose seems to work very good.

*resume asian squat with hose in left hand and fish net in right*

daddy and baby leave when it's time for his nap. i've managed to fill the pond further. no dilution. still green.

*turn off hose and resume asian squat*

"where are you you little ...."

elapsed time: about 60 minutes
attempted captures: uncountable

this isn't working and it's getting hot. forget paddle practice.

"where are you, fish?"

beetles and bees about the size of small plums are working at our lemon tree nearby and keep coming dangerously close to my ears. FREAKY.

"get into the net you little!@#$%"

i resume the asian squat and every so often take off running around the back yard and patio cursing to myself waving my hands and arms franticly in the air after being narrowly missed by the kamikaze bugs pent on plundering my ear canal of nectar for their crazy human ear honey.

*resume asian squat* "!@##$%"

maybe i need a bigger net? i walk around the yard looking for what the previous owners must have used. nothing. but.... *lightbulb* i find that our bathroom screen door is small enough to fit in the pond.

"yeah... try and escape this big honkin net!!!"

i'm successful only in making our bathroom screen door disgusting. too big. no handle. too slow. i rinse off the screen door while butch watches me from the other end of the pond. i bet if i understood fish, i'd hear laughing.

"you can't hide forever..."

*the wife calls* "yes. yes dear. no i haven't caught him yet. if i can't catch him soon, i'm just going home. there's no point. yes dear. i'll see you later on...."

*resume asian squat*

*dredges bottom with a stick*

"forget it. you don't wanna come out? you can just die here. don't tell me i didn't try!!! enjoy the fumes butch."

i'm no fisherman.

elapsed time: between 90 and 120 minutes
attempted captures: uncountable